I've done little to hide my all-around enmity for Red Bull - the disgusting, unhealthy product meant for unhealthy living, the glib and obnoxious global branding done via the co-opting of sports and cultural enthusiasts, the shallow, nebulous "philosophy" which really isn't anything at all.

Of course, I despise what they did to my team - I think I've said that once or twice now. That may be a done issue, but I can't stop despising their creeping over the sports landscape as a whole, buying up third-rate teams in third-rate leagues, tagging them like subway cars in mid-80s Manhattan and piloting them into in a groove of mediocrity, while desperate, craven fans carry their water for them (because god knows, people on the inside probably know better than to drink that corrosive shit they purvey.)

It's brilliant! It's stomach-turning anti-culture. No doctrinaire anti-capitalist or anti-postmodernist am I, not by a long shot, but in this enterprise you have the worst extreme of postmodern capitalism, run amok; a company that makes billions by producing nothing, nothing but image. The drink is of no real consequence. They may as well be selling sand or peas or feathers in a can. The drink, you might say, doesn't even exist. (Get out of my head, Baudrillard.)

I think we can all agree that what's bad for RB is good for fans of sports worldwide. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; I'd sooner have Halliburton owning my team. Sure, they might be responsible for the deaths of thousands, but when it comes right down to it, at least they make something. The same can't be said for our Austrian overlords.

Anyway, as much as I feel a twinge of sadness for Jeff Parke and Jon Conway (assuming, as we will right now, that their actions were unintentional) the news that they've both been banned for 10 MLS games for banned PEDs infuses me with a sense of irony that truly vitalizes my body and mind.

To use the old saw, you really can't make this stuff up.

But who comes out of this sorry spectacle looking most like total idiots?

On one level - that is, on the ethical level - the answer is easy. It's MLS. Because you really can't expect us to take the league seriously, when they say that over-the-counter performance enhancers of doubtful provenance and unknown, potentially dangerous consequences are BAD things that get you SUSPENDED!

Except when over-the-counter performance enhancers of doubtful provenance and unknown, occasionally deadly consequences are GREAT things that the league wants to work with, take money from, and promote. Then it's all good. Carry on.

One feels that there is more to this episode than meets the eye, but I've yet to put my finger on what that is.

Labels: drug scandal, Metro, MLS