The other evening, out on the small swath of common balcony outside my apartment door, in between intermittent naps (I had woken up at 5 am for work, and could hold no longer hold back the force of exhaustion that washed through my body and mind) I read through the slow, agonized end of Prince Andrey. As for his far less heroic, less dignified, far less soulful (soul-less?) real-life namesake - the one who is holding all three of us hostage at this very moment without any sign of letting up (or so it seems)... well, even in my most vindictive moments I can't bring myself to wish such things upon him. But that is hardly due to some self-imposed ethical restriction anymore: the fine moral upbringing I received, which taught me not to wish bad things on other people still resonates in my mind, though faintly. In truth, I don't wish bad things to happen to him for the same practical reason I really don't want something bad to happen to the hateful sub-human we have as President: because the result of such a thing would be worse in the end: in one case, an even more evil man in charge of all of us: in another, a boy without his father. Both are things that none of us should want.

That said, I imagine he wishes the worst possible things upon me.

I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt from the start; I have been a man about acknowledging that he is K's father, that K ought to have his father in his life...there was never any question about letting him have that. But he doesn't just want that with-limits, he wants everything, and clamps down on Kiki (who deserves it least of all) by using her own son as a weapon against her.
I have never really written that much about this - certainly not here - but it's the best way I have to think through it. Someday - Kiki willing - I'm sure it'll show up in something I write.

I googled "Prince Andrey" while writing (for the benefit of you out there who haven't read Tolstoy) and this is what I came up with. Maybe some radical faith is what I need after all. Maybe I'll go read some CS Lewis.